so i'm laying on my stomach in front of my laptop, listening to jason upton and typing ya'll this message, waiting to head to church in about 1/2 hour... strange to think that church at home will be starting at approximately the same time as church here.

i made it, i'm here, and its absolutely lovely- its been sunny and warm pretty much nonstop since i arrived a week and a half ago.  the girls i'm supposed to minister to are art students and sooo cool [i might end up coming home in dreads...].  i've been 'clubbing' a couple times- it's different here- most of the young people just dance goofy and have fun, instead of it being all about sex, and it's a great way to build relationship with the young women... wierd, i know- heather moore going clubbing in england.  starting a bible study in two weeks.  hopefully getting an apartment and a job soon. 

it's so dark here.  so many completely lost.  even ones that have come to know Jesus have no idea what it means to follow Him.  things like, "i'm not supposed to sleep around?"  crazy.  but exciting.  i know the Lord is going to move... i just don't know how yet :)

prayers, prayers, prayers are what i need.

love.

life is good and beautiful and all that jazz.  it's also stressful and boring at the same time and i'm sooo over it.  but if it wasn't both, it wouldn't be life, would it?

the Lord is good [when is He not?]

i'm looking forward to graduation [may=freedom] and audtions [leavenworth summer theatre, march 14th- ya'll should come see me if i make it]

europe was gorgeous and everything i expected it to be on my second visit- of course, better this time with the lovely tesse.  i added pictures and there are more on myspace and facebook if you want to see them.  i'm going to live in london at some point in my life, i just know it.

my hair has gotten really long, especially when it's straight.  i'd leave you with a picture, but apparantly i've hit my upload limit for this month.  go xanga.

since it's been ages, i thought i'd let ya'll know i'm not dead after all.

the short cartoon version of "how the grinch stole christmas" is on right now and I'm watching it because the best show in existance [pushing daisies] is on next.  it makes me happy, in the same way that bing crosby christmas music and peppermint mochas do.

i feel like school is my life right now- but i graduate in the spring [explaining why school is my life- bachelor in three years means heavy loads]... and then... jesus revolution?  maybe- we'll see what the lord has in store because i still have no idea (which was fine last spring but is becoming scarier and scarier the closer i get to graduation).

that commercial i did is making my famous in my small part of the world- apparantly it plays all the stinkin' time because i always have people telling me that they saw it.  there are two little boys at work (twins, age 4.5) who can't hardly look at me now because they saw me on tv.  it's wierd when people bring it up in the middle of class [though i'd be lieing if i said i minded- its fun being quasi famous].

i'm taking a painting class and i think i'll enjoy painting when the class is done.  it makes me feel close to my grandma, because she was a terrific painter (not that i'm good, but just the fact that i'm doing it).

in other strange news: there's a guy i've been... interested in... for the past 6 months or so, though i decided that he's not the one... anyway, i just found out he's recently begun dating (he told me he didn't do the whole dating thing) the girl that mr. only-boy-i've-dated-since-high-school started dating shortly after he broke my heart (obviously, they're not dating any more).  how strange is that?  it's like the girl is following me or something.  i don't want to like her, because of her choice in men and because her myspace said she was there for "dating," but i can't help it because i've met her and she's actually a pretty cool girl.  cute too, darn her.

oh, and congrats to mr. trace jones on his new appointment.  he'll be terrific.

here's some pictures of my 'sister' rae and i on a recent trip to the mall...

over the summer at fingerprints, the teachers put up this big blow-up water slide, and the little chillins climb up to the top and slide down into a pool of water.  well, there's this little adorable boy named lincoln (3 years old.  he wears his knight helmet to school sometimes, and he's the youngest child i've ever seen who can wink) and he climbed up the slide like all the rest of the kids, but where everyone else sat to slide down, he stood up and did a superman jump into the kiddie-pool below.  he scared all the teachers to death, but he was fine and very proud of himself.

i want to be like lincoln.  not that i want to be reckless- yes, i want discipline and self control.  yes, i want to guard my heart and my tongue.  but... i don't want to value my life here on earth so much that i hold tightly to it.  because, folks, the buck doesn't stop here, and where it does stop is infinitely better.  this life... doesn't matter beyond what we can do for the Lord, so there's no reason to try and hold onto it if said effort prohibits us from living...

in my painting class, i'm learning to make mistakes and be okay with them.  it is warring with my perfectionist tendencies, but it's good because that's part of not being safe, the idea of being okay with mistakes.  and i've realized that i'm a perfectionist about me, too- that i beat myself up about sin instead of letting it go... i wrote a thing about it a few months ago:

Gilt

Pens cannot write of the disgust in my heart

For the filthiness in my soul, coated with sin,

The black coffin that suffocates love,

Stealing the breath from life.

I come to You, having fallen again,

More times than the sun has risen,

The fake righteousness that I wear

Showing cheap beneath the gilt,

Knowing that I'm forgiven

But struggling to forgive myself,

Fighting to embrace freedom

From my self-imposed cage.

so maybe what i desire more than a lack of safety is freedom from the safe world i have built for myself, where mistakes aren't allowed and grace is stifled by disbelief.

love.

The Mr. Windshield Commercial! (this is embarassing- why do I do this to myself?)

well, at least the link to it.  i can't figure out how to post the actual video off of youtube on here... (lame, I know)

so... click here